Call me Snake. As in “water snake”. Yeah. That’s me. “Snake” Waters. I’m not a killer. I’m not poisonous. I’m just bitey, stinky, and common. But I’ve got something you ain’t got, buddy. I’ve got musk. My own, friggin’ musk. Oh, yeah. I’m bad. Don’t pay no mind to the fact that my musk smells like…. Ahem. Let’s talk about something else.
Remember that chick, Sel, I told you about? That mail-order bride that I got from that Frenchie outfit, “The Different Company“? Well, I had to put that stuff down. That little lady was totally no good for this turf-crawler. Yeah, she’s hot. Sure, she’s a classic. But she’s nothin’ but trouble. I had to get free, or I was gonna end up like the others – just another boot or handbag in the closet. Like that joker, Chandler. Whipped. No way was I gonna end up like that. Sel is like a drug. She’s so fine, she’s outta here.
That’s when I met “Sage”. It’s not her real name. Are you kidding? Her real name is some French thing. “Un Parfum de Charmes & Feuilles“, or something like that. Pardon my French. She says it means “A Scent of Charms and Leaves”. Yeah. Like I’m gonna believe that.
Sage is one of those chicks that you’re sure you met before, but you were either too drunk or too high, and you can’t figure out where it was. You know you’re hot for her, but you can’t figure out why. You’re thinking, “Man, I had this stuff before. And it was good, too. Oh, yeah. But where was it?”
At first I thought I remembered. She was exotic. Like. Like. Like, maybe she was this Japanese chickie I saw on “Women of Ninja Warrior”. They call it a reality show. That’s bullshit, dude. I mean, what kind of reality is it for a bunch of Japanese dance instructors, stunt chicks, actors, ice skaters, and former Olympic babes to climb around on industrial building materials and fall into muddy ponds? But these chicks are tough cookies. They look all nice and prissy, but they kick ass, bro.
Yeah, this Sage chick was exotic. But not that exotic. I’d smelled her somewhere before, but it wasn’t on some train in Japan. Nope. It was somewhere else. Closer to home.
I kept thinking. Hmmm. Where was it? I seemed to remember something country about this chick. Not like a foreign country. More like country and western. And that’s when it hit me. She was this country singer chick!
But nope – that’s not right, either. You see, that Shania chick is Canadian. It’s almost foreign, but not quite. It’s almost French, but not quite. But even more than that, it was all backwards. Shania is Cowgirl and Indian. This Sage chick is more like Indian and Cowgirl.
And that’s when it hit me. It was in Santa Fe, New Mexico, at the Taos Pueblo. The wife and I were kicking around, visiting artists, when these two little girls came up to us.
“Hi Mister. You wanna meet Sage?”
I was doin’ a V-8 on my forehead. Yeah. That was it. I remembered her last name – Bundles. Sage Bundles. It was all coming back. The way she smelled. The way she kept smelling – for like – ever. And the way you just wanted to keep sniffin’ her – even when people started looking at you funny.
So now I’m gettin’ this Sage chick. Check out her bio on the website:
Enchantment of a land of endless charm.. Imagine yourself stepping into a garden where charmers, shamans and fairies grow miraculous plants and wild aromatic herbs. Granted with exceptional powers, these peoples of unknown and magic lands have gathered to invent a mesmerizing scent for your skin gently caressed by the magic scent of aromatic herbs: sage nowadays still used in the shaman rituals of Indian American tribes; garden Marjoram with its small white and mauve flowers and Serpolet’s delicate aroma . In the middle of this mysterious garden, a magnificent rich bed of Indian Jasmine – known for its heady voluptuousness – is prepared in which Pepper Mint leaves are calmly resting, gently woken up by the fresh and zesty notes of Grape-fruit and Clementine followed by the warm and sensual accords of Patchouli. “Un Parfum de Charmes et Feuilles” conjures up images of mysterious and legendary gardens revealing marvelous olfactory treasures to the eye of the bewitched.
Contains: Marjoram, pepper mint, sage, serpolet, jasmine Sambac, grape-fruit, Clementine and patchouli.
Sage Bundles. Yeah. That chick was a bundle of fun. So I decide I’m gonna take Sage to work and show her around. Kinda like I did with Sel. So, like, out comes Sage. She’s prancin’ around the bathroom, when – oh shit – in walks wifey. She smells Sage and what does she say?
“It’s a woman.”
I’m like, huh? No, man, it’s like, The Different Company. It’s whatever you want. And that’s it, because the next thing out of wifey’s mouth:
“I want it.”
Now, the great thing about The Different Company is that they sent me doubles on Sage. So I say to the wife, “Hey. Here you go. It’s her twin sister. You can take her to work!” Suddenly, I’m happy, Sage is happy, and the wife is happy. Friday is already lookin’ good.
Now, I figured that Sage was gonna go along quietly, but things never work out the way you plan. From the minute I pulled into the parking lot, Sage was out there turning heads. Oh, man, not today. I just wanted a nice, quiet, day of rest. Just come to work in my Firefox T-shirt and get some shit done. Take a little whiff of Sage in the privacy of my office, when nobody is lookin’. But Sage just smells so awesome. Now, I’ll be honest. After a while, she comes across a lot like Sel. I think they’re, like, sisters or something, so it kinda figures. But where Sel is quiet, Sage has this high voice that you can almost hear three cubes down the hall. And she’s just goin’ around talkin’ to people. Oh, man. Trouble. That’s all this Different Company is. Trouble.
Anyway, I think that wifey and Sage #2 have a thing going. So if Sage #1 runs out on me, it’s not likely that I’m gettin’ her sister back.