(BN) – In a move calculated to exert a chilling effect on substandard shipping methods, a $100,000,000 lawsuit was filed against the online perfume retailer FragranceNet.com today in the Small and Ridiculous Claims Court of Toxienoxie, Kansas. The law firm of Koch and Bvll, representing local troublemaker and perennial whiplash victim Smallpox “Snake” Waters, held a brief press conference, fragrance workshop, trading session, and PowerPoint presentation on the steps of the courthouse.
“We are seeking justice on behalf of all people who have lost precious samples of vital fragrances in ‘accidents’ which have been recklessly, maliciously, and knowingly inflicted upon the fragrance addiction community by these cruel and cynical perfume pushers. By this class-action lawsuit on behalf of our client and all others who have suffered similarly, we hope to rake in… I mean, we hope to send a message to the fragrance industry that their dangerous and unsafe shipping methods will no longer be tolerated.”
Associate Attorney D. K. N. Y. B. Litigious, wearing stylishly thin Prada eyewear and the victime du jour (Un Jardin sur le Nil), outlined the case against the defendants.
“Some time in late April of this year, our client received a shipment from the defendants. Said shipment contained two 1970s-era colognes, whose identities are being withheld under the Bad Cologne Witness Protection Act, as well as 3 paid samples of better fragrances. One of these samples was Un Jardin sur le Nil, which was, in fact, the fragrance most eagerly anticipated by Mister Waters. Several days later, on May 4rd, Mister Waters opened the box. Upon opening said box, Mister Waters, a.k.a. ‘Snake’, noticed a slight, but very pleasant odor coming from the box.”
Exhibit A: Box smelling strongly of Un Jardin sur le Nil. Can a grown cowboy be reasonably expected to impress babes by carrying around a cardboard box all day? Even if the box smells really good?
“At this point, unaware of the emotional damage that he was about to suffer, Mister Waters did, in fact, begin to unpack the box. As you can see from the PowerPoint, said ‘packing materials’ were very sparse, and tended not to fill the corners of the box. We have had a variety of scientific experts examine this box using the latest theories and experimental apparatuses, including space-age technology called ‘track lighting’, and a new paradigm in scientific analysis, which has been unofficially referred to by string theorists as ‘common sense’. Using these techniques, in combination with an important physical law, we have made an incredible discovery. This law is known to scientists as the Second Law of Thermodynamics, to English majors as “nature abhors a vacuum”, and to the rest of us as “stuff moves around in a box until it gets into the open areas”. Thus, our scientific experts have determined that, because inferior packing materials tend to localize in the center of the box, then by necessity, the poor, helpless, innocent, doe-eyed perfume samples end up in the edges and corners of the box, where they are helpless victims of the twin and possibly identical evils of gravitational and inertial mass.”
Exhibit B: The “packing materials” allegedly used to protect Jean-Claude Ellena’s brilliant creation from the strange, mysterious, and deadly force known as “gravity”. Could this have possibly been adequate against the even more poorly understood phenomenon of “inertial mass”?
“Although we do not have photos of the victim’s body at the scene of the crime, we do have autopsy photos. We believe that these are damning enough to convince any potential jury of the depth of pain and suffering that the plaintiffs had to endure.”
Exhibit C: Victim in “body bag”. Plaintiffs allege that the victim was actually transported, alive and fully aware of her possible fate, in the body bag. Plaintiff’s discovery of the Egyptian beauty, broken, dismembered and drained of fluid, is alleged to have caused untold pain and suffering.
“Although we realize that we risk prejudicing the potential jury pool by showing these clearly horrifying photos, we feel that it is in the best interest of the community that it realizes the depth of pain and suffering that perfumaniacs and cologne fetishists routinely endure at the hands of rogue retailers who willfully and knowingly disregard the safety of fragrance samples.”
Exhibit D: Autopsy photo of Un Jardin sur le Nil. Note small fragments, indicating a large blunt object, possibly of planetary dimensions. Not only would she have looked stunning and très artistique dressed in bubble wrap – she would probably be alive today. Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!
Ms. Litigious then summarized her position by asking what Jardin would tell us if she could speak from beyond the grave.
“What would she say to us? Would she ask for one more chance? Would she ask not to end up as a pleasant-smelling stain in a cardboard recycling bin? Would she ask for the chance to be worn at a society ball? By an eager prom queen? By a dashing young bachelor? Or even by an aging cowboy who likes to wear fancy masculine and unisex fragrances for his fancy wife? Surely Jardin deserved better than the fate which she suffered!”
When asked what the plaintiffs would do if thrown out of court, Ms. Litigious responded enthusiastically.
“Oh, it’s no biggie. The box had a 10% off coupon from FragranceNet.com! Snake said the base notes on the box smelled so good, he didn’t need to wear it to know it’s a keeper. He’s going to buy a bottle with the coupon. And our firm gets a 33% decant!”