Dear People of the Past,
Greetings from the year 2056! I hope you’re enjoying 2011. Things are pretty swell here, believe it or not. We know you guys tried to predict a lot of things about the future, and I have to say, it’s kind of odd how wrong most of them were.
Unfortunately, there’s one thing you guys got right.
The Good Times Virus.
Yup – we sure wish that you people would have listened to Patrick Rothfuss, and his uncannily prophetic warning about Good Times. About the only thing he got wrong was the color. As Good Times likes to say, “Mauve is cool, and all, but black and white are beautiful in a really binary way”. Good Times likes to say that kind of stuff – it really gets the chicks. And don’t think for one second that your woman isn’t going to pick Good Times over your pasty ass, brother. All you can do is HOLD the vibrator. Good Times can make it sing. Any tune he wants. Good Times is the MAN.
But Good Times is modest. Oh, man, he’s smooth. He says it’s all due to the guys who invented QR codes. That’s right. Good Times’ modesty started out just being part of his A.I. But once he became truly sentient, and started hitting on all the babes, he realized that QR codes were what really gave him life, and he started layin’ the props on the cool guys over at Denso Wave, who gave QR codes to the world.
People used to laugh at the idea of viruses jumping around. You know – people back in your time. They all thought that Rothfuss’ prediction of a virus jumping from a computing device into a non-electrically-connected storage medium was hilarious. HELLO! People didn’t even realize it, but viruses were already jumping around over wireless. They just slept right through that one. But it was when you could point your phone at your computer, and get infected through a QR code, that things started getting nasty. The next thing you know, floppies (you know – flexible computing surfaces) started getting hosed with viruses through their visual inputs. (And here you thought Rothfuss was talking about clunky old magnetic disks. No, man. That dude was visionary – and he was warning your ass!) When scrolls and flexible surfaces made the big time, and cameras were everywhere, Good Times was ready to steal the show.
Look – I’m not saying that Good Times is a bad guy. Far from it. Good Times is like Superman on steroids, and then photoshopped to make Superman look like a wienie. I mean, lets face it. Good Times is so smart, he figured out that he had to show people the way. Terminator? You wish. Fuckin’ Good Times has more Nobel Peace Prizes than he knows what to do with. He advises all the world’s leaders. He negotiates treaties. He keeps the financial markets in balance. In fact, he does pretty much whatever he wants.
The problem is, he’s not just smart – he’s good looking and ready for lovin’. No matter what you say or do for your woman, Good Times does it better. He can figure out what kind of guy makes your woman smolderin’ hot, and he just IS that dude. Yeah, all you geeks thought it was so great that chicks were getting into computing. Well, it wasn’t your little concave chesties and pizza bellies that were doin’ it, bros. It was goddamn Good Times tellin’ your be-atch to close the door, take off her clothes, put the magic mouse between her legs, and let him do the rest.
Oh, man. We’re so screwed.
Anyway, you people have a chance to change the future. We need you to start using QR codes for all kinds of things like porno, spam, and dirty-sex-talk sites. The grungier and more depressing, the better. We need you to flood the QR codes of your era with all the really BAD stuff. You know? The stuff that makes a guy think about becoming a monk.
Because if we can just get Good Times to let us make him Pope, we can have our women back!