The Adventures of Hinoki Oh

marina8

Puppet fashionista Hinoki Oh on her iPhone, confronting an anonymous NSA/TAO operative impersonating one of her attending kuroko.

This post was inspired by the amazing and unique Comme des Garçons fragrance Monocle Scent One: Hinoki.  Everything you are about to read is true.  As determined by a secret court that you cannot question, using secret law that you are not allowed to know.  Dig it, baby.  New world order.  The real question is – who’s the master of it all?

Ah-ah-ah!  Not tellin’!

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When a star is born
They possess a gift or two
One of them is this
They have the power to make a wish come true

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires will come to you

If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do
Fate is kind

She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of their secret longing

Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires will come to you

If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do

Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of their secret longing
Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true

*************************

OK, peeps.  Jiminy Stinkbug here.  Yo.  It’s time to tell you a story about a wish that comes true.  Dig it.

There was this Asian chick – see?  She had a Japanese mother and a Korean father.  But that’s not all.  She was a PUPPET.  A big – and I mean BIG – f***in’ puppet.

Missoni2B-2BTarget2Bdoll2BIdiosyncr

Hinoki Oh doing another blogger meet-and-greet for Missoni and Target.

Yeah.  I TOLD you she was big.  But see – that wasn’t the problem.

Hinoki had a wish.  Which wasn’t what you might think it would be.  She didn’t want to be “real”, cuz – hey – she already was.  And she didn’t want to be human, because she thought that being human was TOTALLY over-rated.  But she did want to be in a J-pop or K-pop girl band, because – well, c’mon, man!  BECAUSE.  Ya know?  Yeah.  In fact, it was her greatest dream to be in a band like this one:

The trouble was, she had a manager.  [I almost typed that she had a ‘manger’, but that’s a different story of innocence.  And since the NSA’s underperforming ‘watch while you type’ software is currently not on my computer, I have to tell them about all these beautiful little coincidences.  Although they may be back on WordPress.  Who knows?  It’s a secret.  We’re not allowed to know how we are policed, much less have actually voted on it.]

Now, the manager liked her just where she was.  Actually, he would have liked to have helped her reach her dream – to rise from a giant puppet fashion blogger to a giant puppet J-pop star.  But dreams like that are risky, and payoffs from mysterious agencies, helping to save the world from the risks of giant puppets – well, that’s more of a sure thing.  Money in the bank, you might say.  And who’s gonna show up at your door and complain about the mysterious money, when the people who show up are the ones who gave it to you?  Yeah.  That’s sorta how it works.

So the manager told her something designed to keep her from leaving.  He said that, as an inanimate object, she would have to work really, really hard to be as honest as a human.  And once she was, THEN he would help her get into a pop band.

Hinoki decided that she had to do everything she could to help her reach her goal.  First of all, she replaced all her wooden parts with real hinoki wood.  So when people like my wife said things like “creepy giant puppet smelling exactly like Japanese bathtub rich people having but not so often any more” – well, that’s because Hinoki not only replaced all her wood with real hinoki, but she also sprayed herself with ridiculous amounts of this fragrance:

IMG_1132

MONOCLE Scent One: Hinoki. Hinoki Oh’s scent of the day, every day.

Mmmm, mmmm, good.  I had forgotten how good this stuff is, until a friend asked for some, and I figured it was time to break it out.  There is this odd kind of lemony freshness that sometimes accompanies coniferous woods, and THAT is what you get with Hinoki.  The opening is a very bright, and completely unique woody note – the closest thing I’ve ever smelled is the impossible-to-find Etro Mahogany.  But there you have it.  That is what Hinoki smells like.

Now, Hinoki the fragrance is kind of linear, but that’s OK – if you have to be stuck on anything, being stuck on good is good.

But not everything is stuck on good.  And when the reach of your tailored access operations exceeds your grasp of their consequences, you may just get yourself into trouble.  Case in point – Hinoki Oh’s iPhone.

Hinoki loved her iPhone.  It’s something of a marvel of human ingenuity.  It’s the product of trust.  That’s why it works so well.  The people who want to build something trust each other, and they don’t trust the people who love the lie, because lies always destroy in the end.  Although we’ve had some post-Snowden doubts about the iPhone, Hinoki can tell you this.  They had to attempt an “interdiction” to try to get on her iPhone 5 recently.  See the fascinating picture above.  She’s, like, “Why are you doing this?”  But she never got an answer.  They could have just asked her.  But no.

Answers.  She needed to know.  And that’s where I come in.  Jiminy Stinkbug.  Not to be confused with Jimmy Carter, who’s actually one of the few really decent human beings.  Even though I totally disagree with much of his politics.  Or maybe all.  It’s hard to tell.

As a stinkbug, I don’t have much of a conscience.  But what little there is, is simple and well-defined.  Eat, sleep, dream strange dreams, enjoy the beauty of the universe, and try to hold down a job.  Make little stinkbugs, or go through the motions just because it was over-designed to make sure you’d do it a lot, which is kinda beautiful in itself.  Start off blog posts talking like a dude and end up talking like this.  Whatever.  It’s all part of being a stinkbug.

However, I ran into a bunch of people who don’t actually exist, although they are virtually indistinguishable from others who did exist, and don’t anymore.  Imaginary people.  They’re almost as interesting as dead people.  And almost as smart.  Case in point – René Descartes.  Talk about an amazing dead person.  Trying to deal with whether the universe is a simulation centuries before there were even the beginnings of the possibility of DOING simulation.  Pretty cool.

So anyway, as Hinoki Oh’s conscience, it became my duty to deal with this iPhone stuff.  Personally, I prefer to stay as far away from this crap as I can.  But Hinoki – I mean – even if it wasn’t my job to watch out for her, you just can’t let bad things happen to good puppets.  And Hinoki is almost as sympathy-engendering as a Hello Kitty plushie, so there you go.  Dude’s gotta help her.

But what stinkbug could call himself a true stinkbug if he actually solved the problem himself?  Nah.  That’s work.  I’ve got enough of that already.  So I handed her off to somebody else.

*************************

“WHOA.   Holy sh*t!”

“Sumimasen.  Wuruf-san?  Ohayo gozaimas!”

“Holy sh*t!  I’m sorry – I’m forgetting my manners.  Come in.”

“Thank you, Wuruf-san!”

“You might have to stuff through the door-frame just a bit.  There you go.”

“Ah.  That is much better.”

“Just one question.  You really are a giant puppet – right?”

“Yes – I am true puppet.  These are my kuroko-chan.  I need them to move me.”

“OK.  Just checkin’.  At my age, it’s hard to tell where peyote ends and dreams begin.  You’re kinda in between, so just wanna make sure.”

“Please forgiving my intrusion.  My friend Neil…”

“Don’t mention it.  He told me all about it.  You’ll have to forgive the condition of my trailer.  It got kinda cold last night, so I let the dogs all come in and sleep by the stove.”

“I like dogs, but have to be careful.  Many dogs want to bite me.”

“Sister – I have no doubt AT ALL.  I will bet there is no end to your stuffin’.  Please – take the couch.  I think that will work.”

“Domo arigato!”

“Your boys there will just have to do what they can.  And watch it with those damn sticks, fellas.  We’re kinda short on lightbulbs here.  Especially since they started forcing us to use the damn expensive swirly idiot jobs with the grid-communicated back-door on/off-switch that the NSA knows about, and the Chinese one that they won’t discover until it’s too late.”

“Wuruf-san, that is what I want to talk about.  Neil says the man who tried to get my iPhone from me was from NSA.  I am so scaring.  I am trying to be good person so that I can join all-girl band someday.  If the NSA trying to investigate my iPhone, then maybe I am criminal?  If criminal, I am never becoming all-girl band person.”

“Yes.  OK.  You’ve come to the right place.  First of all, you don’t have to worry about the iPhone.  Just because the NSA wants to be on your iPhone doesn’t mean you’re a criminal.”

“I am so relieve to hear that, Wuruf-san.  Thank you.  Very much.”

“Not at all.  You see, now that the NSA investigates innocent people and lies about it, you don’t have to worry.  Just knowing THEM, I know that you’re probably innocent.  But I have even better news than that!”

“Ahhhh!?  Tell me, Wuruf-san!  What is good news?”

“As an inanimate object, you are fundamentally incapable of dishonesty.”

“I am not sure I am understanding.  I am working on being more honest, so that…”

“You can’t.  You can’t actually be any more honest than you already are.”

“AHHHH!!!????”

“And not just that.  You can’t be any less honest, either!”

“But manager told me that I need to be more…”

“He lied!”

“Lied?”

“He’s human.  He lied.  It’s as simple as that.”

“AHHHHHH!!!!”

“You see – as an inanimate object, nothing you do can be intentionally erroneous.  Which makes YOU better than all of us.  Even the NSA!”

“AHHHHHHH!!!!”

“Man, I love it when giant puppets make that sound like Japanese women discovering that Obamacare didn’t get destroyed when that damn website crashed.”

“So I can be….?”

“Yes.  You can be in an all-girl J-pop OR K-pop band.  Just the way you are!”

“GOODY!  Wuruf-san – you don’t know how much…”

“Boys – just keep her on the couch.  I have enough woman trouble with the dog and my wife’s ghost.  Don’t need to be adding a giant foreign puppet to that mix.”

*************************

And so all’s well that ends well.  Wolf went on to teach Hinoki Oh that just like rock spirits, the universe without people is fundamentally correct.  But he added that the error that humans introduce is really just the same as malfunctioning cognitive robots, so one could argue that they’re fundamentally correct, too, and that their errors are just a byproduct of autonomic choice.  In either case, forgiveness is a good idea.

Hinoki Oh went on to join a girl band a lot like this one.   We like to think that she adds an element of reality and honesty.

 

References:

http://www.spiegel.de/international/world/the-nsa-uses-powerful-toolbox-in-effort-to-spy-on-global-networks-a-940969.html

http://www.spiegel.de/international/world/nsa-secret-toolbox-ant-unit-offers-spy-gadgets-for-every-need-a-941006.html

http://www.cio.com/article/745196/Apple_Cisco_Dell_Unhappy_Over_Alleged_NSA_Back_Doors_in_Their_Gear

https://www.schneier.com/blog/archives/2013/12/more_about_the.html

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/dec/29/der-spiegel-nsa-hacking-unit-tao

http://bgr.com/2013/12/30/nsa-spy-malware-tao-ant/

http://cryptome.org/2013/12/nsa-tao-ant.pdf

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